An Overwhelming Sense of Guilt

I woke up that morning with an all too familiar feeling.  I had a pounding headache and a faint remembrance of the evening before.  I was able to put together all of the pieces: the flirting, the kissing, the touching, chronologically working up to the finale and then it hits me.  The Guilt. Through most of my life it was a fairly regular addition to my Sunday morning hangover. But this time it was different. My boyfriend (now husband) and I had just had our first full swap experience.

I realized that even though he was lovingly holding me that morning, I was panicked and thinking of all of the ways I could apologize to him. I felt like I had cheated on him. Like I had wronged him in some way. The remorse was overwhelming. Eventually, I woke him up after nearly sending myself into a full blown freak out. I needed the reassurance that what I had done was OK. That he really wanted to watch that guy, a near stranger, bend me over the table and slide into me from behind. I remember it feeling so good, but being so bad.

We began discussing the details of the experience and I remembered more and more of the evening and how we had planned this out. This was actually the outcome we were in search of. Not only did he tell me he wanted me to do it, he encouraged it. And to think of it, I did the same with him. The guilt started to dissipate, and the excitement and arousal increased as we hashed through all of the dirty details of the evening.

After each new adventure I woke up feeling less and less guilty about the deviant acts of the previous evening. Between the reassurance that my partner provided on a daily basis and the excitement that we both felt reliving each amazing, scintillating moment, that guilt disappeared completely. I know we’re doing the right thing by sharing these moments and these people with each other, and I couldn’t be happier.

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